Happy B'day to Me

True Despair..

Here i am, once again sitting in front of my laptop..weeping over my life..it seems like i have been bitching more than ever.. but then again i only use my blog to express how i feel..rather than telling people how i feel..i just write it here cause i know it is safe.. as no one is going to read this blog..

Money has always been an issue..no money then nothing is possible..that is wat i am experiencing rite now..haha..laughing at myself..

I have big hopes and high ambitions..but nothing seems to be achievable..then again i should have gone out and fight my guts out rather than sitting here bitchin'.. I lose my motivation..singled out in my world..just doing things that i know it is right (at least for me)..

and i still miss her..I haven't been spoken to JJ.. but evrytime when i speak to her..she replied me in her cold manner that really hurts me.. but wat can i do? it is my fault..no one to blame except myself..

Isn't it true despair? hmm..i never imagine life is going to be this hard..every single day is just felt so discouraging me.. make me dun want to see the cruel world out there.. life is for us to live in.. but somehow i have lost the will to live.. but too afraid to give up.. tell me wat should i do?

A question that no one could answer even for myself..sometimes i ask myself..wat is the purpose of me living in this world?

Endless Beginning...

Has been two weeks since i left Perth.. but things are not happening as i want it to be.. Desperate and tired.. also lack of motivation..

It is so expensive living here.. people are not as friendly as in Perth.. Dunno why i never like this place..

Moreover i cant stop thinking about her..Dunno why..is this called Karma? but i never intend to fool around with her..

We are wat we are now..two world drifting apart..She can only blame me..but she never knows how i feel..sigh..there is nothing I can do.. all the things she never knew..

Career and relationship... two things that are so funny but yet intriguing..

Last Day in Perth

Time has come to say good bye.. to Perth.. to all of my frens here.. the bitter sweet feeling is undescribable..

There are so many memories here..now i have to leave all of them behind..after today i will be in a new place..

but i am just hoping that it will be another journey for me to finish.. I pray that Buddha will give me strength and wisdom to walk my path..

Spare Time Lovers 分身情人

i have been listening to this song..such a beautiful song..i really want to say that to her.. let her know that i am willing to do that..

To see her smile..hold her hands..be there for her..but will i be able to do that.. i am so sad.. so lonely..grieving..thinking of wat we have become..

3 days more in Perth.. My heart reluctantly leaving Perth..this is not my choice but i need to walk my path..dunno whether this is the right path or not

Arrrrgggghhh!!!

There is no word to express how i feel..
finally being able to chat with her.. and yet we are fighting till the end..

why? i dunno the answer..i wish i knew but i dun..
why cant she listen to me for one last time?

2 more weeks..

Another 2 more weeks then i will be leaving Perth.. Going to a new place.. Place that i have no idea about..is it a new beginning or repeating the same event?

Been busy lately looking for jobs and place to rent..Geez!! it is so hard when u have limited budget..i can't believe this.. i will be living on tight budget again!!

It has been 3 days since our last contact..but i dunno i just can't get her out of my mind..evrysong i listen to..evry couple i see on the streets..evry movie i watch..remind me of her.. it is too late to apologize..too late to make up..we are drifting apart faster than anything.. i miss jj so much...

My blurry future...

have u ever worried about ur future? thinking about all possibilities.. good and bad.. hmm.. scary isn't it? maybe i am the type of person who thinks too much.. and all of the stuff happening around me really makes me wonder why..

sometimes i wish that i had no burden..a free man..or crying free man to be exact.. i have so many things to think about.. i have all of this pressure.. i dunno how long i can hold on.. but honestly speaking, i am losing my grip..i am tired of my life..

life is a bitch..

i dunno wat the hell am i doing here..bitching about my life.. well to be honest i dun have anything that is worth bitching about..

My life is so plain..i got nothing i could brag about..the person that i care the most called me liar..

am i a liar? hmm..the other day she called me hypocrite.. are those really description of me?

I am always proud of myself until i made one stupid mistake..and i am in the point of no return..i am devastated..i am bleeding but no one can see my blood..

I cannot tell evryone how i feel but i just dun want 'U' to judge me..i am in agony but no one understand my pain.. the feeling inside me is just killing me..

i shouldn't have taken anything for granted..but i did..there is no way for me to turn back time..there is no way for me to go back.. and i am losing her forever..

My mind tells me to let go, but my heart won't let me..

there is a time when logic and emotion clashes.. this is wat happens to me rite now..

I have no idea of wat to do.. i am suppose to make a decision and get on with it..but i am not..i made one decision and now i hesitate..

Sitting in front of my laptop..but i am not doing my usual..chatting with her.. she is there..but i can't text her..dun want to make her sad.. I am in no position of painting the colors of future with her..so i may as well let her paint her colors with someone else..

The emotion is different..you feel awkward and not comfortable..but i know that i have to wake up from my dream and move on.. i try so hard to refrain myself not to contact her..not to ask how is she doing..it is killing me..i dunt want her to judge me and think that i am fooling with her..

I dun want to hurt her..she deserves someone so much better.. and the feeling inside me is undescriable..knowing that one day she will be with someone else..

Decision..Decision

Have u ever made a decision?

I believe everyone must have made a decision before.. and tonite i have made a decision that i might regret for the rest of my life..

I promised not to love her.. She is the one tat i love dearly..we are not meant to be together..
we promised to let each other go.. i think tat is the fairest way to go..

i can't stop crying..i dunno why..i fell the pain..it is so real..and it hurts..well this blog is not supposed to be read by anyone at all.. it is just my media..my own world to express how i feel..

love is strange..it can turn someone into a cry baby in no time..

JJ..

Winter Blues

My feeling is a bit mixed up rite now..getting ready for work and the laziness comes..

Have u ever felt like that? i dun like being judged but i cannot tell people not to judge me..geez!! I hate this feeling..especially it comes from the one that you love dearly..

Is it all over now? or is it a brand new start?

i spent my last nite talking to a person i dear the most for the last time.. there is something inside me that is crying so loud that i can't hide it..

we would never come in contact anymore..all is left is this blog to express how i feel..listening to the songs that she has given me..reviving all of the memories i had with her..

i must admit writing blog is so much easier than expressing my feeling..i must thank a person who vents out all of her feelings into blog..first reading out her blog then i started to create my own blog for her..

after all life is a journey for us to learn new things..I learned that we are only the north and south pole of the world that are never meant to be together although we exists..this is the first day without her in mylife but my mind cannot stop thinking about her..but after all this is just a 'unfortunate meeting'..

i wish i could buid a time machine, travelling back to the past..then perhaps we would have different story to tell..I keep on asking myself, Is she Ok? how is she doing?..these questions may never be answered..if anyone reads this blog, please do not say that i am such a wimp..well we are weak when it comes to feeling..and if you could have felt what i had been through then you would have understood how i felt..

Amber Guo 'ben de ke yi' - surely stupid..i think i am the one who is surely stupid..i should have be honest with her..but i keep on hiding the facts..but nothing will change the fact that we are on our seperate way..seperate directions..

i wish she could feel how i feel about her..the way i felt for her..how much i love her? i wish her frens would at least support me..but they all turned against me..i have made the biggest mistake in my life..and i will never be able to change our story line unless i have the time machine..sounds pathetic but it is true..

Motivation or Self-Destruction

it is now 10 degrees..weewww freezing.. seems like today i have lost all of my motivation..

Feel like walking away from all of the problems in life..but then again we are humans..problems are part of our life..

when i look at the tranquil sea..calm..it feels like wow!! there is still another magic in the world..

Imagine that we are fishes in the calm sea.. swimming freely to the edge of the world.. but is that the way i should value life?

I really need to find my motivation.. i have just lost the one and only motivation in my life.. i dunno how long i can bear it? will it lead to my self-destruction? hopefully it won't..

Sunday 27 June 2010

The journey has begun.. Dunno when it is going to end.. sitting in my room writing my first blog ever..
Today I learnt something called honesty.. A very expensive price to pay for being an honest person..
Sometimes I wonder.. Should we be honest?? or Should we just lie?? even the lie is so called "white lie"